Noelle shared a story of fear, nakedness and inner strength today. My story is in no way to diminish her fear of sp*der$, but to share my recent brush with something I very firmly think should remain outside of my apartment.
Rather than try to recreate the intense emotions I felt, I am going to share with you my IM conversation with my brother. Keep in mind that this converstation was at approximatly 1:30 AM Sunday morning.
brother: you’re up late
sister: I had a home emergency.
brother: ???
brother: what home emergency?
sister: I saw a VERY LARGE MOUSE run across my kitchen counter and thus had to scrub the ENTIRE kitchen, top to bottom, to hope that it doesn't come back before tomorrow, when I can call my landlord.
brother: hate to break it to you dear, but if you seen one mouse, gaurunteed there are at least 3 others
brother: in the building at least, not necessarily in your apartment
sister: SHUT UP, Brother.
sister: That is not helping AT ALL.
brother: here's what i would do, and what i did when my house had mice
sister: Well,
sister: and I don't even want to type this...
sister: I don't know that it was a mouse.
brother: what?
sister: It was REALLY BIG.
brother: uhhhh
brother: so you think it was a rat?
sister: Please don't use the R word.
brother: HA
brother: whoops
brother: sorry
sister: that makes me want to vomit.
brother: well....
brother: mice are pretty small
brother: and are you SURE it was that big? was it out of the corner of your eye or something?
sister: NO. The damn thing LOOKED AT ME.
sister: I clapped at it and it went behind the stove.
brother: hmmmm
brother: how big would you say it was?
sister: About the size of my eggplant.
sister: DON'T USE THE R WORD.
brother: oh F*@# wenders
(I was still shaking at this point.)
brother: i wont use the r word, but that wasnt a mouse
sister: I know. I KNOW.
I might cry.
brother: Auto-reply: bed
sister: What do I do? Why the hell is your autoreply on if you're there??
brother returned at 1:14:07 AM.
brother: turned off the autoreply
brother: wha ti would do
sister: thanks.
brother: is call the landlord tomorrow
brother: and get some r-word traps and poison and such
brother: and hope you cant hear scurrying sounds tonight
sister: I don't want to CATCH IT. Or deal with a dead one.
brother: uhhh
sister: What would I DO with a dead one??
brother: cook it
brother: eat it
brother: mmmmmmm
brother: tastes like a spicy pork
sister: BROTHER.
sister: STOP IT.
brother: hee hee
brother: you throw it in the trash
brother: thats what i did
brother: with the mice i had
brother: its not like you bury it in a shoebox
sister: I"D HAVE TO TOUCH IT.
sister: I MIGHT GET THE PLAGUE.
brother: mice at least, like peanut butter. so what i did is baited the old fashioned mouse traps with peanut butter and put poison in the PB so that if they got the PB they still also got the poison. worked well
brother: plus, i think the old fashioned traps are actually more humane than the sticky ones
brother: cause the death is fast and sudden rather than slow and agonizeing
brother: bad spelling there
brother: agonizing
brother: indeed
brother: plus, i dont think you would get the plaghue
brother: but
sister: I am NOT deciding what type of traps to use. My landlord can do that.
brother: if you did, please let me know, cause i think then i would not move to boston
brother: no offense
brother: or at least we would get the booster shot forthe black death
sister: OMG. What do you do with r* poison?
brother: what do you mean what do you do with it?
sister: I don't want to Handle It.
brother: you lay it out there, they eat it
brother: they die
brother: well
sister: Does it spray around?
brother: they are little pellets
brother: and you stick em in the peanut butter
brother: but you only have to do that with some of the poison
brother: the rest of it is in a box that has a little opening in it that you lay around the house
brother: its not like you could "accidentally" eat rat poison in your microwave dinner
sister: I've started cooking.
sister: What if I got a cat? Would they stay away?
brother: well, its not like rat poision would "accidentally" fall into your soup
brother: well... i think if your pest is the size of an eggplant
brother: youd need more than a kitten
brother: like a tiger
brother: or a Liger
brother: plus, like i said, if you saw one, it means there are more
sister: that's my favorite animal.
brother: they are like cockroaches that way
sister: but just in the building, not IN my apartment, right?
brother: so i would call the landlord tomorrow
brother: right
sister: Well, yes. I will do that.
brother: in the building
brother: and most likely in the basement too
brother: or something
sister: I just want to know if there's anything else I can do NOW or first thing in the morning.
brother: no, nothing you could do now
sister: Besides adopting a liger.
sister: Do you think it will attack me while I sleep?
brother: close the bedroom door and put a towel under the door
brother: that way it cant get in
brother: but i would also spray holy water around your bed to prevent the demons from getting in, and throwing salt over your left shoulder...
brother: just in case.
brother: and hang garlic by the window
brother: and put a gun with silver bullets under yourr pillow
sister: I'm not throwing salt, I just mopped the floors. And seriously, I don't want ANY food near me.
brother: well
brother: J. says put a towel under the door
sister: AND, if it got in Somehow, it could get into my room Somehow. Magic, boneless, rubber pest. . .
brother: cause they are lazy and wont ge tin if there is a barrier
brother: wenders
brother: if you have a magic boneless rubber pest
brother: you have bigger problems than either i or a towel under the door can solve
brother: better get crackin on that liger
sister: true that.
sister: You don't think it will bite me, will it?
brother: no
brother: you will be fine
brother: stuff a towel under the door and it will leave you alone
brother: seriously
brother: but i bet its pretty freaked out
brother: and wont even come back tonight at all
sister: I just wish I weren't alone. This might actually be funny with someone else, but right now it's gross and makes me feel like my place is dirty.
brother: well... i wouldnt worry about it
brother: such as the hosue with the mice
brother: i dont think it was the house that was dirty per se... it was that they found a place to get in and realized that there was food there
brother: and it was warm
brother: i really wouldnt let it worry you tonight
brother: go to bed, call the landlord in the morning
brother: you will be fine
brother: just go to bed and OH MY GOD WHATS THAT BEHIND YOU!!!
Please note that while still acting like a little brother over IM, he was also very helpful and calming. I have called my landlord, not left one dang dish in the sink since then (ever cloud has a silver lining?!?!) and there will be an exterminator at my apartment no later than Saturday. My landlord was just lovely, and like my mother, Lissy, my friends E and S, he also reassured me that it was not because I am a dirty person or anything. Thank goodness.
16 comments:
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Oh my god. That was so funny and yet horrifying.
I have lived through the terror of apartment rodents at not one but THREE crappy apartments, so I feel your pain. I hope the exterminator's gas/poison/traps are swift and true.
Chick, I relayed your situation to my boyfriend, who is an EXPERT on all things nature, and he told me it's because of all the rain we have had. The m's or r's are getting flooded out of their nests and are seeking higher ground. So it is not a moral issue or a question of cleanliness. I hope this helps. Also, I accompanied my coworker today to the hardware store for a trap, so this is happening in all parts of the city. Take heart, you are not a slatternly, slovenly housekeeper, you are just another bozo on the bus we are all on, traveling with unwanted rodent hitchhikers.
Makes you wonder if all those children's books with mice families in them were just propaganda so parents could get a decent night's sleep. Hope the landlord and exterminator come sooner rather than later!
I feel your pain and I'm glad you can joke about it. Once upon a time we lived in military housing. The next building over had an "r" problem. When they put out poison the "r"s got thirsty and one ended up in our neighbor's kitchen (we lived in townhouses). Her husband chased it through the house and it ended up jumping in their toilet and he flushed it. We heard the water/screaming/flushing during the night and asked about it in the am. There never was another one. It was all a freakish event. It has nothing to do with cleanliness. It's all about them just finding a place and getting in. I'm sure the exterminator will take care of everything.
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/
I'm debating whether or not to tell you how many mice the exterminator took away in a plastic Target shopping bag when I moved into this house... the woman that lived here before actually timed the seasons by the mice in the kitchen light fixture! Ew.
My house is in a flood district so there's a 3 foot crawl space under the house. And the only way to get under there is through my bedroom closet floor. That's how the exterminator got under the house to lay poison for all the mice.
Let's just say the bag looked as if he'd gone shopping at Target and purchased 20 pairs of white cotton socks. The bag was that full.
I've been vigilant ever since. Ew.
And aren't little brothers wonderful at keeping you fully disgusted and calm at the same time? :)
Now I want to read all your emails, that was so entertaining. What are you two like in person together?
Rats, schmats. My neighbors upstairs have mice (But they call them rats. I saw one when they were taking the trap out. It was a mouse.) but I don't have them. No sign of them. I have a cat.
As my dad said when we were snorklign in the South Pacific and say a 3ft shark, "Don't worry, it's more afraid of you than you are of it."
And The Plague is curable if caught on time.
Dude. EVERY time I'm in your neighborhood I see R's running around. It's NOT because you are dirty. It's because you live in a city. ;)
Good luck and - get a cat.
Do you want to borrow a cat? Snickers is awfully good at catching the big bugs that make it into the apartment sometimes...I bet she could handle a mouse or a rat. I see them in the neighborhood a lot, but have never seen/heard/found signs of one in our apartment (the cats are good for that). There are a ton of them in the park by the bocci area.
If you poison it, it could die in the wall or somewhere. Wouldn't that stink when it starts to...well, once it has been in there a while?
"The damn thing LOOKED AT ME"
Oh my God, I'm so sorry, but that is hee-larious!
Also utterly terrifying, I am SO SORRY. ICK. ICK ICK ICK.
You win. You definitely win.
I didn't read this until now, I am horrified for you! After s'nb tonight I am going to start scrubbing my aparment. Not saying that clean prevents rats, just saying, gotta feel like i am doing something to help out. Now those pig rat posters around the neighborhood seem like a great idea. Ughhg!
I forgot to mention that a liger would totally take care of the problem for you.
And then you can go play tetherball w/ no problems. ;)
OMG I have just developed a friend crush on your brother. I LOVE his sense of humor. Both of you are hilarious. I was sitting here laughing with Elle at my side going: What? WHAAAT?
LOL
Sorry about the (airquotes) LARGE MOUSE.
:)
Hilarious post! I laughed my ass off. Good luck!
What a freaky experience. I once woke up to two bats flying over my bed and one got lost somewhere in my bedroom. I slept on my sofa for two weeks. It will be okay.
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